Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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