New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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