You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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