Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
