if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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