i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
