And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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