I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
