Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
