im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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