I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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