is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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