I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize