I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
