I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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