I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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