I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Houston, we have a blender
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
