I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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