i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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