My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
