the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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