Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
