never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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