just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize