last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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