So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
