ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
