This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
