i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
babies were throwing up all over the place
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
