Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
