she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
