My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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