my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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