after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
