He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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