She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
