I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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