he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
