smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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