We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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