it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
