Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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