Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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