I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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