Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
