Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
