we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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