you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This gyro tastes like lonliness
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
