think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
