I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So much Jack, so little girl.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
