I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
organizing the empties. That sober.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
