Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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