i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
