I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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