Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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