last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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