i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
